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50 Wonderful Jokes From Comedy Legends — Greatest Life

We’re fortunate to dwell in a rustic with one of many biggest pure sources within the free world. I am speaking, after all, about comedians. We now have extra comedy icons, per capita, than every other nation on the planet. From previous legends like Groucho Marx and Lenny Bruce to modern-day masters of comedy like Chris Rock and David Letterman, their pithy observations on trendy life is what retains us sane, and reminds us that laughter will all the time be the very best medication. Listed here are fifty comedy jokes from a few of our biggest comedy icons. For extra laughs, try these 30 Instances Well-known Individuals Dissed Different Celebs In Hilarious Methods.

Jerry Seinfeld Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Proof that we do not perceive loss of life is that we give lifeless individuals a pillow.” And for extra comedy jokes, try 30 Funniest Memes of All Time.

Chris Rock Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I used to work at McDonald’s making minimal wage. You realize what which means when somebody pays you minimal wage? You realize what your boss was making an attempt to say? ‘Hey, if I might pay you much less, I’d, but it surely’s in opposition to the regulation.'” And for extra comedy jokes from Chris Rock, try the 30 Funniest Items of Celeb Relationship Recommendation.

David Letterman Late Night

“Are you aware what I like most about baseball? The pine tar, the resin, the grass, the dust. And that is simply within the scorching canine.” And for extra on scorching canine, discover out The 9 Greatest Greasy Meals Meccas to Go to Earlier than You Die.

Bob Newhart Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I do not like nation music, however I do not imply to denigrate those that do. And for individuals who like nation music, denigrate means to ‘put down.'” For extra nice nation music zingers, try the 30 Funniest Traces From Nation Songs.

Steve Martin Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I like a girl with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.” And for extra comedy jokes, learn up on 25 Monty Python One-Liners That Are Nonetheless Related Right now.

Mel Brooks Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Tragedy is after I reduce my finger. Comedy is if you fall into an open sewer and die.” Oof! And to maintain the enjoyable going, do not miss this hilarious roundup of the 40 Humorous Issues Everybody Has Secretly Completed. 

Mitch Hedberg Jokes From Comedy Legends

“The miserable factor about tennis is that irrespective of how a lot I play, I will by no means be pretty much as good as a wall. I performed a wall as soon as. They’re relentless.” And for extra nice jokes, try the 50 Knock Knock Jokes Assured to Crack You Up. 

Jim Gaffigan Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I can not imagine we’re nonetheless giving clothes as a present. Trigger everytime you get clothes as a gift, you all the time open it up and also you assume, ‘Not even shut.’ And the person who offers it’s all the time like, ‘You’ll be able to take it again in case you do not prefer it.’ ‘That is alright. I will simply throw it out.’ Do not give me an errand.”

Patton Oswalt Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I simply need sort of a light-weight brown hillock of glop. If you happen to might put my lunch in a blender, and liquefy it, after which put it right into a caulking gun and inject it proper into my femoral artery, even higher! However till you invent a lunch gun, I would love a failure pile in a disappointment bowl!” For the file, no: That glop will not be one of many 40 Coronary heart Meals to Eat After 40. 

Billy Crystal Jokes From Comedy Legends

“By the point a person is smart sufficient to observe his step, he is too previous to go wherever.”

Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

“A financial institution is a spot that can lend you cash in case you can show that you do not want it.”

Zach Galifianakis Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I’ve quite a lot of rising as much as do. I spotted that the opposite day inside my fort.” And for extra of the very best jokes of all time, listed below are the 50 Dad Jokes So Dangerous They’re Really Hilarious.

George Burns & Gracie Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

Gracie: “Did you ever know that my uncle Otis ran for metropolis councilman of San Francisco? Oh, and what a marketing campaign he placed on!”

George: “Kissed all of the infants, huh?”

Gracie: “Effectively, no, why ought to he? In San Francisco, only a few infants are sufficiently old to vote.”

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Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I find the money for to final me the remainder of my life… until I purchase one thing.” Has your spending gotten out of hand? Save your funds with these 14 Cash-Saving Habits You Must Undertake This Yr.

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Ellen DeGeneres Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Settle for who you’re. Except you are a serial killer.”

Richard Pryor Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I imagine within the establishment of marriage, and I intend to maintain making an attempt till I get it proper.” For extra comedy jokes on marriage humor, try The 30 Funniest Issues Celebrities Have Mentioned about Marriage.

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George Carlin Jokes From Comedy Legends

“The very existence of flame-throwers proves that a while, someplace, somebody mentioned to themselves, You realize, I wish to set these individuals over there on hearth, however I am simply not shut sufficient to get the job executed.” And for extra laughs, do not miss the 40 Info So Humorous They’re Onerous to Consider. 

robin williams Jokes From Comedy Legends
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“After I give up consuming, I spotted I’m the identical [jerk] I all the time was; I simply have fewer dents in my automotive.”

Maria Bamford Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Thirty methods to form up for summer season. Primary: eat much less. Quantity two: train extra. Quantity three: what was I speaking about once more? I am so hungry.” If you happen to’d relatively not extend the load loss course of (like Maria), That is the Most secure Solution to Lose Weight Quick.

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Jonathan Winters Jokes From Comedy Legends

“If God had actually supposed man to fly, He’d make it simpler to get to the airport.” If you happen to really make it to your flight, these are the 15 Issues You Ought to By no means Do On An Airplane.

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Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

“If you happen to assume no person cares about you, attempt lacking a few funds.”

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

“The issue with life is, by the point you may learn girls like a e book, your library card has expired.”

amy schumer Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I went house with this French man ‘trigger he mentioned one thing cute, like, ‘I’ve an condominium.'”

Freddie Prinze Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I grew up in New York in a neighborhood known as Washington Heights. It is probably not a ghetto; it is a ghetto suburb. Slums with timber. Even the birds are junkies. The birds do not know easy methods to fly, they only fall out of timber and trouble individuals. ‘Tweet-tweet, sucker. Give me 1 / 4.'”

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Kevin Hart Jokes From Comedy Legends

“There was a cut-off date after we had been in (Disneyland) the place I misplaced my daughter. However I knew ultimately I’d run into her once more, so I took that point to get on rides she could not get on. Once I noticed her she was crying. I used to be like, ‘It is not your birthday. Right now’s not about you.'”

Dave Attell Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I used to be on a date with this actually scorching mannequin. Effectively, it wasn’t actually a date-date. We simply ate dinner and noticed a film. Then the aircraft landed.”

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Bill Murray Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Twenty years in the past we had Johnny Money, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we’ve no Money, no Hope and no Jobs. Please do not let Kevin Bacon die.” And for extra nice comedy jokes from Invoice Murray, listed below are his 30 Most Hilarious Encounters. 

Jackie Mason Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Eighty p.c of married males cheat in America. The remaining cheat in Europe.”

Joan Rivers Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Individuals say that cash will not be the important thing to happiness, however I all the time figured you probably have sufficient cash, you may have a key made.” For the file, no, that is not one of many 70 Genius Tips to Get Immediately Pleased. 

Denis Leary Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Racism is not born, people, it is taught. I’ve a two-year-old son. You realize what he hates? Naps. Finish of record.”

Lenny Bruce Jokes From Comedy Legends

“By no means belief a preacher with greater than two fits.”

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Garry Shandling Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I am courting a homeless lady. It was simpler speaking her into staying over.”

Jon Stewart Jokes From Comedy Legends

“If the presidency is the pinnacle of the American physique politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract.”

Emo Philips Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I wish to play chess with previous males within the park, though it is exhausting to seek out 32 of them.”

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Larry David Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Anybody may be assured with a full head of hair. However a assured bald man – there’s your diamond within the tough.”

Steven Wright Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I went to a restaurant that serves ‘breakfast at any time’. So I ordered French Toast throughout the Renaissance.”

Woody Allen Jokes From Comedy Legends

“If it seems that there’s a God, I do not assume that he is evil. I believe that the worst you may say about him is that mainly he is an underachiever.”

Phyllis Diller jokes From Comedy Legends

“House responsibilities will not kill you. However then once more, why take the possibility?”

Bob Hope Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I grew up with six brothers. That is how I realized to bounce, ready for the lavatory.”

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Rodney Dangerfield Jokes From Comedy Legends

“My spouse is all the time making an attempt to do away with me. Final night time she advised me to place the rubbish out. I advised her I already did. She advised me to go regulate it.”

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Richard Lewis Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I’ve low vanity; after we had been in mattress collectively, I’d fantasize that I used to be another person.” To maintain your bed room recreation robust (and stay your self), attempt these 30 Scorching New Intercourse Video games Each Couple Ought to Play.

Milton Berle Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I am 83, and I really feel like a 20-year-old, however sadly there’s by no means one round.”

Wanda Sykes Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I am gonna inform you proper now—someone walked in right here and advised me I simply gained the lottery, I’ll stroll out in the course of this joke.” To even your odds of profitable the lottery, understand that These Are the Most Widespread Powerball Profitable Numbers.

Bill Hicks Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I by no means acquired together with my dad. Children used to return as much as me and say, ‘My dad can beat up your dad.’ I would say ‘Yeah? When?'”

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Jack Benny Jokes From Comedy Legends

Legal: Your cash or your life …
Benny: [Pause.]
Legal: Look, bud. I mentioned your cash or your life.
Benny: I am considering it over.

To maintain your cash out of your pockets and into wiser ventures, try The 20 Savviest Funding Strikes to Make Proper Now.

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Robin Williams Funniest Awards Acceptance Speech Punchlines

“Effectively, if God drinks, do you assume God will get stoned occasionally? [Just] take a look at the platypus!”

Margaret Cho Jokes From Comedy Legends

“I take a look at husbands the identical means I take a look at tattoos. I would like one, however I can not resolve what I would like and I do not wish to be caught with one I am simply going to develop to hate and need to have surgically eliminated later.” Nonetheless in search of your subsequent associate? Loosen up and recognize these 30 Causes Why Being Single In Your 30s Is The Greatest Factor Ever.

Johnny Carson Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Final night time, it was so chilly, the flashers in New York had been solely describing themselves.”

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Buddy Hackett Jokes From Comedy Legends

“The second day of a food plan is all the time simpler than the primary. By the second day, you are off it.”

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Groucho Marx Jokes From Comedy Legends

“Outdoors of a canine, a e book is a person’s finest good friend. Within a canine, it is too darkish to learn.”

Channel your interior comedic genius with these 30 Nice Icebreakers That Are All the time Hilarious.

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